I Hate Deers (9/23/2024)

 I almost died last last Saturday, on 9/14, on the highway when I was driving from SF to Modesto to stay over at one of my college friends place.

I was driving around 80 on the left lane, with everyone including me about to fall asleep, when a deer jumps over the barrier in the the middle of the highway and runs across my car, barely missing my car by about one or two feet on the right.

What a fucking stupid deer.

It happened so fast it almost didn't seem real. No one else in the car saw the deer either, because they were all about to fall asleep. But I did and I saw it pretty vividly, even if it was only there for a brief moment.

At that moment, I told the people in the car about what happened, and one of my friends said that we all would've for sure died. I believe him. I'm driving a Prius and although I think that was maybe a smaller sized deer, it was still about the length of my car sideways maybe.

After that moment I thought about my mom and my dad and my brother and my friends and how everyone would react after they found out that I had died. It felt so surreal. I don't want to leave my family and friends behind, because I know if any of them did that to me I doubt I could handle it.

What else sucks is that I literally could have done nothing to prevent my death, if it had happened. I can't swerve at 80 miles an hour to avoid the deer. If I don't swerve, I also can't avoid the deer. It's over either way.

And that made me think about how close death can be, and how it is just stupidly unfair sometimes. But at the same time, I'm so alive and young right now that the thought of death also just feels so far off, so absurd.

I've been meaning to write a longer post about death, but it's hard. I've been meaning to write it for a long time now, almost a year, but although I get the ideas down I can't ever seem to finish the post. Maybe I can't do the thoughts in my head justice with my writing skill currently, but on some level I'm also scared to write about it. It'll probably come out eventually though.

I haven't really talked to anyone about this, because although it feels kind of significant it also feels like such a small deal. It's kind of hard to bring up. So I guess wanted to write about it here.

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